what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
