He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
