Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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