I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
