i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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