im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
