In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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