the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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