Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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