I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm like, not good at living.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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