what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
