why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
