I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I am midnight drunk by noon
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
