I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
