I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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