I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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