im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
