put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
