Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize