No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Randomize
