my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
