So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She told me I should be a condom model.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I AM VODKA MAN
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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