any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
