In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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