I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
