I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
