i just sent this text using only my big toe
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
