Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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