In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
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its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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