Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
