Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
