when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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