She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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