Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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