I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
