Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
