thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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