Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
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Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe