Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.