I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.