it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
