dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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