Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
