i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
