I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
