oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just blew my weed a kiss
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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