This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
how does that bad decision feel?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
