Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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