if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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