Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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