Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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