yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
