I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
