my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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