I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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