Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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