I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
