I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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