i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
