can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
